Out of the Mouths of my Babes Nov 2017

*”You said sorry so that means you are in a happy way, and I said Ehh so that means I’m still in a mad way.  Twin 1

*Twin one mentioned that I was using a coffee cup, and I said yes but there’s tea in it and he said, “oh that’s right, because only boys can drink coffee”.

* Twin one told me that I could cuddle with him, but no kisses. I asked why since I love to give him kisses and it’s the favorite part of my day. He told me because my breath was kind of stinky and I said, “Oh it is? “And he said, “actually your whole body is kind of stinky”.   I asked if it was just tonight or always and he said, “Pretty much always “.  Wow

* I told twin one I was going to get him a Spiderman blanket, and he said, “I would love that even moster”.

*”My leg just cracked. Even though I’m not a grown-up, my legs can still crack”.

*I told the kids a fever is good because it’s the body trying to fight and kill a sickness. T1 said I don’t want to kill the sickness because I like my honey cough medicine “.

* I was tube feeding T2 and T1 woke up.  He asked why I didn’t feed him when he was sleeping so I asked if he was hungry and he told me nope,  he was just wondering.

* We were saying goodbye to our nanny on her last day of work and we were both crying, and she was holding twin one. A tear fell on his finger and he said, “Come on it just felled on my finger.   Would you please stop crying now “.

*At breakfast the next day I was still crying and he said, “Here have a bite of my banana. Bananas always make you feel better”.  Truth

*”When someone first wakes up, you can’t talk to them because they need to get the sleepies out”. Twin 1

* getting ready for bed, twin one was telling me about school and that his teacher scared the crap Jesus out of him at snack”.

*Twin 1  was using his fork to pick up crumbs of pancake on his plate, and he said, “Mom, look at all the crumbs I got with my vacuum crumber”.




Out of the Mouths of my Babes Dec 2017

We had just taken a picture with Santa and my daughter says, “why is mama in it? Do you look ugly in pictures do you think”?  Ha I guess you do….

I was explaining to the twins that their gram and pop don’t work anymore because they are retired. He said, “Yes because they don’t have any children”,  but I told him that they had children that are grown, and he said, “Yes they just don’t live together anymore”.   And then he started talking about my brother and his wife and their baby and if they have to get up early  like us. He asked how old she was and I said two.   He said, “you mean she’s only one? I think she’s kind of big”.

“You’re  really nice mom, you shouldn’t be yelling. I’m your kid”.

Twin one told me he wasn’t fond of his new teacher and that he didn’t like her hair. “I just don’t seem to be liking her very much”.

I was showing the kids where I used to live when I went to college and Twin 1said, “and then you just change your mind because you wanted your children”.

My daughter asked me to open up her vitamins because it had a grown-up proof lock.

We were driving home from a holiday party and the kids were tired and my daughter was getting fresh.  I told her that that was enough and she wasn’t acting in an acceptable way and she said, “mom it’s late, and I’m tired and I’m just grumpy and cranky”.

Around bedtime I heard twin one having some sort of conversation or praying to God, and at the end he said “God-men” (Amen).

At bed one night my daughter was being very naughty and fresh and I got upset and raised my voice. Her brother came in from the bathroom and said, “Mom, don’t even worry about it. You’re a good mom and we love you. Don’t even listen to her”.

Mother’s Day 2018

My 3 kids allowed me to sleep 1030 to 730. Typical wake up time is 6ish. Quite a gift. First Mothers Day in our new home, in our new state. It went downhill from there.

I don’t typically like the Mom that I’ve become, and I feel like a fake when people tell me what a good mom I am.   I try so hard to give them a great life. Beautiful house, close to family now, the best food, cute clothes, activities, sports, good schools…But I feel the sadness and anger that  they see negates all the good I give. I wish I could hide it better, like I imagine many moms do.

Nanny 911

We are on our third nanny, in our new state,  in 2 months.

Our first nanny gave her notice before the twins and I even moved here.  Personal troubles. The second nanny was certifiably cuckoo:  came late to work almost every day, spoke to me and my children like she was on Valium, got smart with me almost every day (usually when asking her to do her job), and expected me to pay her for many hours more than she actually was working, and the kicker, she was collecting disability.  She was with us Nov 20-Dec 23.  I let her go 2 days before Christmas. Without a new nanny. It was that bad.

So, here we are on  the “third time is a charm” nanny. She lives in the  neighborhood. She babysits everyone around us. My family knows her family. We coincidentally ran into her at a Christmas party. She is a very nice person. She started Jan 2.  After one month of working with us, her grandmother still comes over to help her take my daughter to school. And pick her up. And pick up the twins. Ok, at least it’s getting done. I came home 2 nights ago at the kids bedtime, after working an hour later than usual to make up for a two hour doctor appointment in the middle of the day for one of the twins.  The sink was full of dishes, including a pan that she had used to cook her own dinner.   Did I mention that the dishwasher broke this week? The freshly washed tablecloth was covered in puke all over one end from breakfast time, and the rest of the table was covered in crumbs.  Like everywhere.  Twin 2s  wheelchair was covered in dried puke.  There was a load of laundry in the dryer, a load in the washer, and the load that was lying on my bed was completely unfolded.  There were so many chunks of food and dirt all over the floor from the kitchen to the hallway to my bedroom, that I could visibly see them.  Did I mention that there’s a break in the day from one until three when all three of the kids are at school?    So, in addition to the typical routine of going through bookbags and signing papers and packing lunches, I spent two hours cleaning up the mess she had left.

Fast forward to yesterday, my day off, with three doctor appointments at the local children’s hospital for Twin 2 to start the day.  After picking all three kids up, and returning home to cook dinner, my dad came home and said he needed to discuss something with me. Of course my whole body tensed up like I was a young girl again as if I had done something wrong.  He took me up to his room, and proceeded to tell me that he had spoken to his girlfriend about “the situation”, and she had blasted him for not telling me.  The situation being that he had caught  the nanny asleep three times in the past week while on duty.  The first time, she was laying on my bed next to twin 2, who was just laying there and twin one was set up in front of the TV.  Did I mention that Twin 2 is helpless on his own and can’t do anything without her help?  The second time, it was on my daughters bed, with twin 2 again laying next to her, and twin one set up in front of the TV.  The third time was 2 days ago, about a half an hour after I had left for work with Twin 2 crying, and Twin 1 begging me not to go.  My dad came down from his room to find her sprawled out on the couch snoring, while Twin two was laying on the floor and Twin 1 was watching TV again.  He decided to go do a few things before coming back into the room, hoping she would wake by then.  When she had not woken, he proceeded to call her name several times, progressively getting louder,  until he finally had to yell her name.  She jumped up discombobulated and almost stepped on twin 2, who was right under her, and my dad yelled to prevent damage.

He told me that talking to her would be futile, as all of this is still happening on our fifth week of working together.  I still couldn’t in my right mind leave my children with her today, and not tell her that she cannot sleep on the job. I’m their freaking mom and I’ve never done that. OK maybe once for five minutes.  I also told her that I pay her to entertain and play with my children and clean up after them.   I kind of thought that would go without saying for a nanny position. Never assume.

Tonight I got home at six, and as I was walking in the door, my daughter tattled on twin one making a mess in my bedroom.   I walked into my bedroom, and  small balls of fish food were polkadotting my entire dresser and the entire hardwood floor in my bedroom. Like hundreds.  As I was having him clean that up, the nanny was starting to change twin two and he started to gag. I picked him up and he proceeded to puke all over me and my pink sweater. But, the dishes and laundry were done.  At my request.  And then the microwave appeared to have had a small explosion, with more food polka dots all over.  I will not be cleaning that up tonight.

She is not the one, but I am the sole provider for my 3 babies, and I must work. Ironically, I add a day of work to my schedule starting tomorrow. I must trust that the right one is not far away. We had no idea how good we had it, and how blessed we were, with our old nanny of 4 years and 3 months in our old state. If I knew then, what I know now….

The Big Move

53 days ago (Nov 18, 2017), I moved my three children ages four, four, and six, 5 states and 400 miles away from the home they were born and raised in to my home state.

The first thought for this move began in October 2016, and the house search began in February. After traveling back-and-forth about five times, and looking at 40 houses, we found land, and committed in July.  I should clarify by saying that in June I had all but given up, and my dear dad found land and purchased it in the hopes that we would want it.  The house was supposed to be a remodel that we built up, but it ended up being demolished,  and when all is said and done, we will have a brand new house that I have picked out piece by piece and room by room.

If I thought the search for a home was the challenging part, I had no idea what was in store for us when we actually committed,  and had to slowly let go of all the things we have known.  My boys had to say goodbye to their second preschool (I had not enrolled them in their first year preschool because I thought we would be moving), and their beloved teachers and therapists and friends that they had grown to love in just two months.  One of my twins had to say goodbye to the numerous therapists and specialists of all types that had been caring for him virtually since birth, and had grown to be part of the family.  I had to say goodbye to my first beloved baby, my business, and leave all of my customers of up to 14 years behind.  We had to say goodbye to our dear Home that I had lived in for seven years,  and that knew my beloved dog prior to knowing my children.  We had to say goodbye to all of our amazing and wonderful friends that had stuck by my side,  and had been with us to laugh and cry and play and eat and swim.  And hardest of all, we had to say goodbye to my coparent, our nanny of 4 1/2 years that became my kids bonus mom.

Coming to terms with the emotional aspect of leaving our home of 14 years, was just as demanding as the physical work required to make the move a possibility.  The decluttering and organizing and donating and cleaning started four months prior to the actual move.  There were areas of my basement that I didn’t know existed and boxes that I didn’t want to go through.  All free time was spent making sure that only the necessities came with us on our move. 1900 square feet of space lived in by 4 people has quite a few necessities.  There also was the tasks of finding storage once we arrived in our new state, and finding people to make the move for us. This was harder than it sounds.

When I realized that the house was not going to be ready as I expected it to be in the summer,  I decided with my brothers suggestion, to send my daughter ahead of us to live with him and his wife. She was already registered for kindergarten in our new state, and I wanted her to begin with her class on time.  We drove her there in September, and stayed a week getting her started at her new school.  She thrived being with all of our family and not having to share.

Our last month I tried to see all those we cared about, and gift all those that have touched our lives, and visit all the places that I thought were important to my children, but it never felt sufficient or good enough.  Every day in my home, every day at my office, and every night in my bed, I counted down the days until it would no longer be mine. I was more sad than excited most days. The anxiety was high, and every day I questioned whether I was doing the right thing. I lost sleep, but I was exhausted.

The movers took two full days to load everything I have collected over 14 years into 1-24 foot truck.  The control freak in me had to let go of the fact that strangers were packing up all of my personal belongings and shoving them in boxes and containers as if they had no meaning whatsoever.  The best part was when I came home from my last day at work preparing to see an empty house, all I saw was a full truck with my belongings scattered in every single room of our home.  I had prepared to have a calm, relaxing evening on my last night that I would ever have in this home, and instead I was gathering and collecting all of my “unimportant” belongings that were left behind.  The boys and I slept on the floor those last two nights, sleeping bag style.

Thank God for our amazing friends, who all gathered on our last day there, and helped  me do everything, from purchasing storage bags, to packing them up, to getting me fed, to entertaining the kids, to cutting their hair, and loading up three carfulls of items that they would then store at their homes. (Thanks Lisa and family, Kristen and family, Sharon, T and P).

We packed up our SUV, Tetris-style, with all of our essentials that we would need for the next open-ended number of days, until our house was complete. We took off at dinner time, with many tears, hugs, and memories, and filled with excitement and fear about what lay ahead.  There’s no place like home, right?




Out of the Mouths of my Babes October 2017

Tidbits of my life with four-year-old twin boys and a six-year-old girl…

** After Twin 1 puked in the car ALL over himself and his car seat at 10 PM driving back from my home state to our home he says, “OK New Hampshire, here we come… I’m suddenly starved”.

**Once we got home at midnight he said, “Look, the moon followed us all the way home”.

**”We have a flysquatter, and it can squat flies”… Twin 1.

**In our house, Star Wars characters are known as RTD2 and C3PPO..

** After above said puke incident I told Twin1 that I had cleaned his seat and asked if it smelled like cinnamon. He was angry because we had just gotten home from school and I told him he needed to wash his hands. He said, “No, it smells like hate”.  Wow

** I was putting Twin 1 to bed and he was being a little feisty, and so once I tucked him in, I laid my head on his back and he said, “Excuse me, you need to ask if you can do that, because I’m angry”.   So, I asked if I could cuddle with him and he said, “No, not today, but maybe tomorrow”.

** Twin 2 recently got a communication device, lovingly referred to as a talker in our home, and one morning in a rush for school I was brushing his teeth and he said, “Stop stop stop”!  It was the first time he yelled at me to stop brushing his teeth. ☺️

** We were talking about how the twins go to sleep so quickly and easily now that school has started, and T1 said, “Yeah, school is a hard job”.

**”Mom, check my temperature.  See how old I am”??!!  Said while standing on the scale.

**”Did you sleep naked in bed?? And your butt is naked too?! Yuck”!!

**”You’re taking him down to watch Monsters in the middle of the night?  Really?  Because it’s the middle of the night right now”.  It was 645 am, but dark

**We were watching Star Wars,  and T1 said that Anakin and Padmei are “going to go in love”.

**Dunking is known as “glunking” per T1.

**We were watching Hallmark one night and T1 said, “I like the ladies on here because they have nice voices”.

**We were going for a walk in the woods and T1 said that he felt “figure rated”.   I laughed, and asked where he had heard that word, and he told me TV.  Invigorated!

** I found T1 crawling on the floor up towards my bed and I asked him what he was doing. He told me that he was “coming to do damage to me”.   Previously we had been watching Star Wars, and there were two big worms that were coming to try to attack the senator.  When he asked what they were doing, I told him that they were just trying to do damage to her because I didn’t know what to say.

**Twin one told me that he wanted to watch Star Wars one night(every night),  and I said I couldn’t because I had some work to do. He said, “Just work? That’s all you’ve got”??

**T1 was talking to Siri one night, and she told him she would look on the web for an answer. He said, “I don’t need to look on the web, I’ve got a boss, and her name is Dr. MOM”.



Out of the Mouths of My Babes September 2017

Twin 1 got himself dressed in the morning and told me that his undies and shorts were a little tight. I asked if they were too tight and he said, “Um, just a tad, like a little baby mouse’s”.

Twin one said, “I don’t want to hurt you because it’s your birthday, so be good”.

After we moved my daughter into my brothers temporarily I asked if the boys were sad. Twin one said, “When bad guys hurt me or do bad to me, that makes me cry, but not when sissy leaves”.

“How was School today? What did you learn”?  “I didn’t learn nothing ok?  All I do is crafts”.

“Mom,  there’s a fly in the house. I’m serious. Kids are good at looking at bugs. It’s ginormous big”.

After twin one was getting in my face while I was trying to sleep he said, “I don’t like your breath”.

One night at 10:30, I was tube feeding T2, and T1was flipping upside down in his bed and happened to open one eye and caught a glimpse of me. I started cracking up and he said, “mommy get out of my bedroom”!!

“Mom, your clock is broken. Uncle can fix it for you, because he’s big, and big guys can fix things”.  Well said.

I asked Twin 1 if it upset him that his brother gets things that he doesn’t, like a wheelchair and a talker. He said “No, not really, because I have legs”.


Out of the Mouths of my Babes August 2017

This is our life..

“Sometimes when I have to pee, I just close the hole up of my penis, and I pee inside my penis”. Twin 1

“Sis is being crazy today….Sssshhhhhh”!, said Twin 1 after being mean and aggressive to his sister throughout the entire lunch. Project much?

My girl kept asking to try and eat everyone else’s food, and Twin 1 said, “Remember what our nanny always says, you need to read the room, so read our food”!!

Twin one told me that my tummy is big, and it looks like I have babies inside. Kids are so good for your confidence.

Twin one told me that his friend got a butterfly and flower painted on her face,  and informed me that girls like pretty things.

My girl asked the nanny and our local babysitter friend, “How much more hours are you going to be here? I’ve had enough of you two and need MOM”.

I was trying to teach my daughter how to do something and she said, “I didn’t know that mom. I’m just a kid, I’m not as smart as you”.

Pinocchio is my Tokyo  in my house.

I told my daughter that if she thought it was hard living with me wait until she lived with auntie and she said, “I know she already told me  I have to be good, I have to be faithful, and I really have to be good”.

I was cuddling with Twin 1 and he said, “Mom I’m hot, but I’ll let you stay one more minute. OK two. OK three. I could say 100, but that would be the whole night”.



1/3 Missing

I understand that as a mom, we typically sacrifice.  I also understand that as a mom things don’t typically, or ever, go the way we plan or expect.

I moved away from home 14 years ago (with a man) and I began a new life for myself 400 miles away. New friends, new partner, new business, new house. I made a whole new happy life for myself, and all went as planned. And then I got pregnant. Unplanned (but ready). And then I got pregnant again. Unplanned (but ready to split from their Dad).   And since that day in March 2011 that I discovered I was pregnant, not much has been in my control (unsettling for a control freak).

So, fast forward past a child that almost died, a month in the hospital, an introduction to the world of special needs, 7 long years of emotional and verbal abuse, a nasty “divorce” ( we weren’t married), a mother-in-laws death, a beloved dog’s death,  overnights with an incapable and arrogant father,  visitations at the local Visitation center, numerous court dates and thousands of dollars wasted,  abandonment by said father,  revoked visitation of any kind, the destruction left behind for 3 children abandoned by their wrongly idolized father, and over 3 years of raising my 3 children alone in all ways, to the present.

Seven months ago I decided it was time to move my children home, where they would have a loving family, and several male role models.  The house hunt was not what I expected, and after 40 homes, and five trips with the three children back-and-forth to see these homes, I was about to give up.  At that time my dad decided to buy a fixer-upper house in the community where he and my mom still live, and where I grew up, in the hopes that I would bring my children there.

Well,  the demolition began in  September, and when all is said and done, the kids and I will have a brand new home that we have helped design.  With my dad as the project manager, of course.

I had anticipated moving home in the summer, and had registered all three children for school in our new state.  However,  when we realized  that the timing was not right, my brother and his wife offered to take in my daughter so that she would be able to start kindergarten at her new Montessori.   I didn’t want her to miss a couple months of school, and it was already paid for, so this was an offer of love that we couldn’t refuse.

The kids and I went home for the week that school began, and helped my girl get acclimated and introduced to her new school and friends.  We brought all of her things and got her settled into my brothers house.   It was two weeks ago tomorrow  that we went back to our home without her.  I miss her dearly, but when I see how loved and happy she is being with her entire family, I know that I have made the right decision.   She bakes cookies with my mom, goes to the park with my dad, gets her hair dried by my brother, hangs out and does errands with my sister,  plays with her cousin.  And I have to admit, having a break from whining, arguing, fighting with her brother, complaining,  and asking for food is doing us all some good.

The boys and I will be moving home sometime in November to join our girl.  As parents do, my dad sacrificed in order to get us this house, and he also will allow us to stay with him until our new home is complete. Isn’t love grand?  Although it isn’t an ideal situation for anyone, it’s the best choice we have for a messy situation.   And our home is expected to be done by Thanksgiving, but then again things don’t always go the way we plan…


Out of the Mouths of My Babes July 2017

IMG_5795“Um Mom, I can do whatever I want because I’m my own person. I’m myself”. Twin 1

Every night at bedtime my girl tells me how little she loves me and then that little bit grows and grows. So one night after she was telling me that she loves me just a little bit, I told her that I love her to the moon and stars and back. She asked how much I loved her brothers, and I said the same amount, and she asked me how I had enough love for all of them..

Twin 1 went downstairs to get something at bedtime, and came running back up the stairs. He told me that he needed to shake off the heebie-jeebies.

“I like Twin 2, he’s my favorite one, but I like the other one too”.

“I think Sissy is coming because I hear her footprints”, says Twin 1.

camel corn = caramel corn

Twin 1 fell asleep early one night and I went upstairs to kiss him good night and he said, “Mom, I just need to go to sleep now really bad, I just need to go”.

Twin one told me that he loves me “bigger as my face”.  Is that a lot??

We were driving past the junk shop and my daughter said, “That’s a junk shop. They sell candy there”.   I asked her why she thought that, and she said, “Because candy is junk”.  True enough .

My daughter has been grabbing my face and smooching me without letting me go and tells me it’s a married kiss.

In my house, a submarine is a nectarine.

Also in my house, correct a Momo means correctamundo, per my daughter.

My girl told me that she behaves in front of others because she’s shy to show off her fighting.

I said, “You’re so smart”, and T1 said, “And I’m clever too”….

“If you do one more thing I’m going to ignore you”,  said my daughter to her brother. He said, “How can you ignore me when you have ears”?

” Lakes are freshwater, but once you pee in them, they’re not that fresh”.

Twin 1 was pooping at a restaurant and I was crouching down in front of him. He said, “OK mom, it’s coming, I need some privacy, so be quiet and no talking”.   I started cracking up and he said, “It’s OK to laugh, but just a little, but no talking”.